Upon arriving at the Ranch I was torn by the decision that I had made. Leaving my husband and son for a month wondering how they were going to make do. Being away from work, wondering how far behind I would get and if I would ever catch up. All these things that were normal for me, the worrying about everything I would have to let go for this month in order to focus and concentrate on learning ways to make myself well. So the first week was hard because I could make no phone calls or receive any phone calls. (Some may say that's kind of harsh but is a very important step in helping you to stop worrying about things going on in the outside world and focus on your work. After the first week, I began to let things go.
I thought my whole purpose of going to rehab was to learn ways of living healthy and healing myself. My first mistake. It was a journey of self discovery, healing, and learning why those old coping skills that I once used were no longer helping me nor so healthy after all.
Several things, that some may think is funny, I learned about myself in my pursuit of my true Identity were: the color pink isn't so bad after all, music (any type) makes me happy, I love crosses and wings (all my clothes have a cross or wings on it somewhere now, I don't like lace and frills, I don't like high heels (give me boots, snickers or flip flops any day), I don't like dress clothes ( unless I need to dress up for job etc, give me jeans any day), and there are more colors out there besides black, gray and white. These are just a few of the things I began to find out about myself underneath all those mask that I had worn and by being a chameleon for many years.
I made several new friends at the Ranch that will forever hold a place in my heart and hopefully remain a part of my life. They became a very strong support system for me in this journey. We shared stories, we cried and we laughed together, Yes laughed, something I had not done in a very long time. Laughter is a wonderful medication for healing. Support, encouragement and love are very important in recovery, Something that I learned to accept, and something I wasn't familiar with. I had lived my life accepting criticism very well versus compliments and encouragement. I never wanted support or knew how to accept it when someone offered it, my response was one of I can do this on my own (or a common phrase you will here among those in rehab: "I've got this!"). That phrase couldn't be further from the truth. That way of thinking got me to the place I was at. Finally Love, another feeling I had a hard time accepting or getting in touch with. I had always felt I was damaged, no good, never amount to anything, so why would anyone love me and I didn't deserve Love. I had no problem giving it and wanted it in return but didn't know how to receive it.
The girls who I consider "sister", taught me how to accept support, encouragement and love.
Through many different modalities I learned more and more about myself, my depression, bipolar (which I had initially thought was a death sentence) but wasn't a big focus in my recovery, PTSD (which I will get into more as I continue to write about my joiurney), suicidal ideations, self harm and codependency to name a few. The biggest thing that drove home why I was the way I was, was the day I had to do a time line about my life and all those major events in it. When I saw it on a piece of paper in front of me and had to explain it to a group of people I soon realized why I was all messed up. (More on this later).
One of the most memorable days in rehab, was the day we had to do a trust fall. (You remember the game you played as a child, where you friend stands behind you and you fall backwards in the hopes they catch you). This was a similar exercise, with a different twist. I had to fall from a 5 foot platform into the outstretch arms of a line of other girls in rehab with me and trust them to catch me. I was petrified. It wasn't about the fall that scared me, because I had been doing this all my life. It wasn't about the height from which I was to fall from. My biggest fear in this entire exercise was being caught. I know sounds crazy but I didn't know how to accept being caught, someone to stop that fall. It took lots of encouragement from my sisters to even walk up to that platform. I will have to say as I fell and then the feeling of being caught was surreal.
Now back to the initial word of Gratitude that I started this blog with, what does all of this have to do with gratitude. This has become a very important part of my life. I start every day with gratitude. I always state five things each day that I am grateful for and one has to be about myself. It doesn't matter how bad things may be in your life at that moment you can always find one thing about that situation to be grateful for. I had hit rock bottom, I wanted to end my life. My way of thinking was so negative before going to rehab, but I am grateful everyday that I didn't succeed in taking my life and i am still here to see each sunrise every morning, I get to watch my son grow, I get to enjoy things,I had never noticed before or allowed myself to notice. I believe in the positive power of Gratitude.
"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to thing with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." Albert Schweitzer
"Fore each new morning with its light, For rest and shelter of the night, For health and food, for love and friends, For everything Thy goodness send." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The miracle of gratitude is that it shift your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see."
Dr. Robert Holden